Saturday 29 October 2011

Eleven months my darling boy

Yes, we are here, eleven months since those precious four hours when we felt like parents and held you and stroked your wavy black hair. I can't believe we are back in October again. Back, where this time last year, we were so full of optimism, brimming with happiness and constantly washing tiny baby gros. Exactly this date last year, was my last day of work. I walked out, slightly stunned that I was on leave for a year, and made my way into a new life. One that was meant to be so different to what we have endured. It's almost too much to comprehend, how times can change like that. How we didn't know, back then, what we have painfully felt now.
This month is especially confusing because we do have hope, tentative as it is, that life has happiness ahead. There is a little girl growing and kicking and making her presence increasingly known. She isn't aware of the thunderstorm that precedes her. She's just doing her thing, and thanfully, all looks normal and healthy.
So we have another life change ahead (we hope), and so much change to digest, that is leaves me feeling discombobulated. I have very sad moments, next to potentially exciting ones, and my poor tired brain (and heart) don't know which way to turn.
Well, I do know that turning to my darling husband is still, despite everything, as good as life can get. I let him hold me in his arms and I know that everything I have in my soul, he shares in his, and we both feel supported and united and just so.
I have no idea how we will feel on this day next month. What we do know, is that we will sit by Bear's tree and think about those crazy hours when his cheeks looked peachy and we had our son.

12 comments:

  1. So difficult thinking back to times that were so hopeful and full of joyful anticipation. Everything is just so different after such a loss. (hugs)

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  2. Yesterday was 2 years since we lost Billy....the only comfort I had was in the smile of my precious baby girl who arrived happy and healthy 3 months ago. Bear will be with you always and always looking down on his little sister xxxxxx

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  3. Our six months since Seamus was born and died looms heavy on the horizon. We'd like to get to that before telling anyone about this new life that grows inside.

    I daren't hope too much, but somehow it catches me. It's all so complicated... And I sometimes feel whiplashed by the utter despair followed by the excitement that finds a way to bubble through. Pregnancy is such a long journey... especially now.

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  4. Everything changes after a loss, especially a little one. Its a time when your hopes and dreams should flood your mind, but you then spend the 9 months of your next pregnancy in worry. I lost my little man at 20 weeks and have since gone on to have two gorgeous healthy children, but you never forget the pain.....although I promise it feels a whole lot different once your little one arrives, you reflect on the loss of your son in a different way than before, its hard to explain, but you do reflect with a clearer mind.

    One of my lovely friends gave birth here in the UK at 2.45am this morning to a healthy baby boy after loosing her little boy Lewis last year. The emotions she must be feeling today are immense...you will feel the same too....soon I promise x x x

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  5. Your bravery and strength moves me to tears. I cannot tell you how I'm wishing you and your husband all the very best that life can hold...you both have so much love to give xx

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  6. As you get close to Bear's first birthday, I just wanted to say that I have been thinking about you from across the world. I do not know you, but feel a unique connection from reading your amazing blogs. Tomorrow (11/22) is our third wedding anniversary and our Bear's six month birthday. The past year was half joyful anticipation and half devastating sorrow--separated by one perfect little boy. I pray for happiness ahead!

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  7. Dear Alice,
    I thought of you today and realised it was only two days until Bear's first birthday. I just wanted to send my love and prayers and to let you know Bear was in my thoughts.
    I was really pleased to hear news of your pregnancy. I really hope you are well and that you are getting the best possible care.
    All my love to you all for Tuesday.
    Ellen xx

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  8. Thinking of Bear his beautiful Mummy and Daddy and baby sister. I was 8 months pregnant with Amy's baby brother Luke when it was her 1st birthday, sending you my love and strength Angela Osborne x

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  9. Thinking of you today. Hang in there. Huge virtual hugs xx

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  10. Thinking of you today, on what must be a difficult day but know you are loved, admired and being thought of from afar xx

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  11. Hi Alice thinking of you on Bear's first birthday

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  12. Happy birthday Bear!
    Sending love from Minnesota

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