Saturday, 8 October 2011

The never-ending worry

I didn't know how to follow up the last post. Do I wait again until the end of October, so that I just remember Bear, or do I let people in on the here and now? The journey of worry.
I have found the perfect answer. Another Mummy's words. She lost her son Jacopo last year in her 35th week of pregnancy. One month ago, her precious daughter arrived. Screaming and healthy.
She's commented on my blog over the months, and got in touch again when she saw our news. I, in turn, then clicked back on to her story. It arrived after a couple of difficult days. I cried at every entry. I feel her words. I feel her absolute, constant fear. She's had the perfect outcome, and I want to follow in her joy. She wrote this a couple of months back.

'I feel you growing. I can feel you are getting stronger. Don't give up my love. I don't trust my body but I trust you. You'll let me know if something is wrong, if you don't get enough from me and if you are not fine. I'm listening, any second of my day, any single heartbeat of my heart which rings with yours.'

This is just one of many potent, honest entries. Have a read. It's ok, there's a happy ending. Thank you Jacopo and Bianca's Mummy.


  1. It must be a very scary time. My losses were all very early and I found my successful pregnancy a worrying enough experience, so I can't imagine how you are feeling. I hope you are getting really good prenatal care and reassurance - I had lots of extra scans and monitoring and it definitely eased my mind a bit. Once you have lost a pregnancy - or in your case and that of several of the friends I've made during my journey, a very real child - the innocence is gone, you know that things go wrong and it's easy to think that it will happen again and hard to remember that it's rare and that things can and do go right. Crossing everything that Bear's little brother or sister gives you lots of reasons to believe that you will have your happy ending too.

  2. oh lordy! Firstly, let me say how happy I am for you and your hubby. Bear will have a little sister or a brother, this is great news. I am concurrently ridiculously worried for you and will have fingers, toes and everything else crossed for you until you get your own happy ending. How long to go? Bizarrely enough, I first heard you on Radio 4 as a very dear friend was entering week 38 of her pregnancy. She had had a truly torrid time getting to week 38 with miscarraiges and IVF problems and two emergency operations along the way. We had counted days until her 21 week scan, I didn't even dare tell her that I had heard your interview and that things might still go wrong, but for those three or four weeks I understood a little of such a crippling fear. I even tried prayer. Where am I going with this? not sure. She had a happy ending too, and is now just your average, normal, stressed out and exhausted mum of a small baby. I'm sure nothing that I or anyone else can say will ease that fear but at least know that you are not alone, and that we are here, with our fingers and toes crossed tightly for you. Your blog has brought comfort to many and I am very glad that Jacopo and Biancas mummy has been able to return the favour just a little bit. Hang in there, huge virtual hugs. xxx