Tuesday, 31 May 2011

I kind of wish Freddie had been at the tree planting!


It was a magical day. So sad. But so right.
If you think this Queen link is completely incongruous, then you don't know our family obsession.
'Hurry back' my little one
Love your devoted Mummy xxx

Thursday, 26 May 2011


I've been desperate to put up this picture. I don't know why. Maybe it's a stamping my feet statement. I was pregnant. I was that beautiful round, big house for my darling boy. Now, my body is boring and wobbly and I don't feel those wonderful kicks. I know it is kind of mental to suddenly want to display my bump. But hey, I'm not exactly in a rational place right now.
Please, enjoy the roundness! I loved it so, so much.


I woke up this morning to another kind and caring comment on the blog, from a woman I've never met, but who somehow made my morning feel a bit easier.
I can't believe I have readers out there who have been worried about my absence, and who write such comforting remarks at the bottom of my rather bland (and depressing) posts.
It means a lot. I know words are easy, but really I feel extremely touched by all this virtual love that pours in while I sleep, or when I'm at work, or really, whatever I'm doing.
This morning, I broke down on a work contact. She doesn't work with me on a daily basis, and actually, I haven't seen her since Bear died. I don't know what came over me. Usually, I can talk about him with ease. Today, though, things felt different. They felt very sad.
I think it's the tree planting this weekend. It's making us reflect on the situation as a whole, and that in turn, means more tears and quivering lips.
It's strange, I've always felt quite eloquent when I've written about Bear. But at the moment, the words don't follow. It's as though I have so much to say, so much brimming emotion, that I can't actual channel its energy in any useful or communicative direction.
If I've said it once, I've said it three thousand times, this really is the cruellest kind of loss.
The love is here, but our boy is not. It is a very confusing place to inhabit and as the days tick by and we shuffle towards his six month anniversary, we stand stooped, not quite the couple we used to be.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011


I know I've been a bit quiet these past few weeks. It feels strange, but with everything that's been going on, I haven't known what to write. It's the first time since Bear's death where I've been a bit lost for words.
I will explain when I have a bit more time.
But I'm here, and I still need and love all of your support.
This weekend it will be six months since our lovely boy was born sleeping. We are having a service for him and placing his ashes in the grounds of my parents' house in Suffolk. We've chosen a beautiful tree to plant in his memory.
Despite all the bad news of recent weeks, it's Bear we keep coming back to. He should be here. Laughing at his silly parents. Not being remembered with a tree and a slate plaque.
If only, if only...

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Another cruel blow

I can't really talk about the in's and out's at the moment, but our lives have been hit again.
Again, we are in a dark place, where something we want so desperately, has been snatched away and we are left feeling confused and sad, and thinking about what a mess has been left in the wake of Bear's death.
I don't really know why I'm posting this, as it's kind of pointless talking about a subject I can't, and don't yet want, to divulge that heavily on.
Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. And believe me, I have the right to indulge a thousand times over....
Life can be so, so hard.
I thought there was a thing called karma. I thought if you took a whole lot of bad, then a nice serving of good would follow.
I was wrong.

Friday, 6 May 2011


We are in flux at the moment. Neither here nor there.
Our living situation is not exactly sorted (we are currently living out of suitcases at my parents), but we hope that this is part of a master plan to get a big, stonking house. The house will be great when we're in it, but in the meantime, we have to live in a state of disarray and that does nothing for my mental state.
What I've noticed recently, is that lots of people find it very easy to help us look forward to our (hopefully) positive future. It isn't too hard to say, 'Soon you'll be in the house', or 'There are lots of babies ahead'. But what they don't understand is that in the meantime, we need to live through all this rubbish. The everyday is getting me down.
My job is good. I like being in an adult environment and it is a useful and fun distraction.
But I think it makes me feel worse in my Alice Time. It's as though I spend all my 'smiling vouchers' between 10am and 6pm everyday during the week, that when it comes to relaxing, I seem to be in a permanent state of moodiness.
I am not particularly good at change, at the best of times. We've sat back and laughed at all things that are now different, and how, isn't it strange that six months ago, we were in such a different place. We don't laugh in a funny way. We laugh in surprise.
The thing is, I don't want to be all different, and moving forward, and planning the future.
I want to be back in our lovely flat, with my lovely baby, living my lovely life that used to be such fun.
That's really all I want. And I cannot have it.
I'm not good at accepting things I can't have.
So I'm grumpy. If you can't tell.
Over and out.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Thinking ahead....

We spent some time, last night, planning Bear's tree planting. We'd be kind of putting the whole thing off. Well, it isn't exactly what you want to do, at the end of a long weekend. You know, plan the day when you put your son's ashes in the ground. It wasn't something we wanted to face.
But somehow, we managed to muster the guts, and now we think we have a nice service planned. A few people will say things, we've found some nice readings and poems and I hope we do our boy proud.
It wasn't long, after Bear died, that we decided to do his tree planting on his six month anniversary. At the time, it seemed like a poignant choice. And it still is, but it's a difficult one too. We hadn't quite realised, back then, how difficult his monthly anniversaries are. They rest heavily on our hearts, and the thought of all that extra emotion, exactly six months after he was born, seems almost impossible to comprehend.
I want to use this entry to thank every person who has left comments recently. I will try to reply personally to as many as I can, but please know how each one touches me deeply.
Hearing about mothers whose babies died many many years ago, is comforting and daunting in equal measure. I love how closely they still hold their missing children. Knowing, how this will shape our lives forever, though can be almost too much to comprehend. At least I know that Bear will always be with us.