I woke up this morning to another kind and caring comment on the blog, from a woman I've never met, but who somehow made my morning feel a bit easier.
I can't believe I have readers out there who have been worried about my absence, and who write such comforting remarks at the bottom of my rather bland (and depressing) posts.
It means a lot. I know words are easy, but really I feel extremely touched by all this virtual love that pours in while I sleep, or when I'm at work, or really, whatever I'm doing.
This morning, I broke down on a work contact. She doesn't work with me on a daily basis, and actually, I haven't seen her since Bear died. I don't know what came over me. Usually, I can talk about him with ease. Today, though, things felt different. They felt very sad.
I think it's the tree planting this weekend. It's making us reflect on the situation as a whole, and that in turn, means more tears and quivering lips.
It's strange, I've always felt quite eloquent when I've written about Bear. But at the moment, the words don't follow. It's as though I have so much to say, so much brimming emotion, that I can't actual channel its energy in any useful or communicative direction.
If I've said it once, I've said it three thousand times, this really is the cruellest kind of loss.
The love is here, but our boy is not. It is a very confusing place to inhabit and as the days tick by and we shuffle towards his six month anniversary, we stand stooped, not quite the couple we used to be.
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ReplyDeleteSome words from author Mark Nepo. I hope they help you. Hugs
ReplyDelete"The idea here is not to divert the sadness, but to give it a context from life other than what is making you sad. Just as a ginger can lose its bitterness when baked in bread, sadness can be leavened by other life. When feeling the sharpness of being sad or hurt, it helps to take new things in. This pours the water of life on the fire of the heart. So when exhausted from expressing all that hurt, listen to music you've never heard of, or ask someone to tell you an old story from before your birth, or take a drive down a road near a ridge you've always meant to look out from. Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness. Your sadness is the paint. You must find a canvas."
Incredible outlook, Alice, I read your feature in the times a while ago
ReplyDeleteAnd we have mutual friends so I have read all of your incredibly articulate, heart-breaking updates. You'll be strong for the tree planting which I think is an important and apt marking point, I know he's always going to with you forever.
How are you coping now you're back at work?
Have you had any counselling?
You're always in our thoughts
Friend of a friend
S
Dear Alice,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this weekend as you plant your tree for beautiful Bear. I hope you are finding some comfort in all the amazing love and support you are getting from both strangers and friends on here. I can't imagine how hard it must be but it is good to see in your writing that at least some days, though maybe not recently, bring smiles. I hope the amount of smiling days will slowly increase for you and Toby and now you will be able to watch new life grow where bear is laid to rest.
Much love,
Lynsey x
Keeping you, Toby and bear in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWith love
Cx
Dear Alice
ReplyDeleteI hope the burial of ashes helped despite the dread this day brings. We buried our son's ashes a month ago and he finally felt like he was ours again, not at the hospitial or the funeral directors but with us and ours.
Having a place to visit, a grave marked with his name, to be able to bring him presents and sit with him, cry and think does help and I hope you have got some comfort from that. I think of you often and your strength in this path we find ourselves on with its ups and down.
Be what ever you need to be, there is no right and wrong to how you feel.
Much love
Mandy