I woke up this morning to another kind and caring comment on the blog, from a woman I've never met, but who somehow made my morning feel a bit easier.
I can't believe I have readers out there who have been worried about my absence, and who write such comforting remarks at the bottom of my rather bland (and depressing) posts.
It means a lot. I know words are easy, but really I feel extremely touched by all this virtual love that pours in while I sleep, or when I'm at work, or really, whatever I'm doing.
This morning, I broke down on a work contact. She doesn't work with me on a daily basis, and actually, I haven't seen her since Bear died. I don't know what came over me. Usually, I can talk about him with ease. Today, though, things felt different. They felt very sad.
I think it's the tree planting this weekend. It's making us reflect on the situation as a whole, and that in turn, means more tears and quivering lips.
It's strange, I've always felt quite eloquent when I've written about Bear. But at the moment, the words don't follow. It's as though I have so much to say, so much brimming emotion, that I can't actual channel its energy in any useful or communicative direction.
If I've said it once, I've said it three thousand times, this really is the cruellest kind of loss.
The love is here, but our boy is not. It is a very confusing place to inhabit and as the days tick by and we shuffle towards his six month anniversary, we stand stooped, not quite the couple we used to be.