Friday, 6 May 2011


We are in flux at the moment. Neither here nor there.
Our living situation is not exactly sorted (we are currently living out of suitcases at my parents), but we hope that this is part of a master plan to get a big, stonking house. The house will be great when we're in it, but in the meantime, we have to live in a state of disarray and that does nothing for my mental state.
What I've noticed recently, is that lots of people find it very easy to help us look forward to our (hopefully) positive future. It isn't too hard to say, 'Soon you'll be in the house', or 'There are lots of babies ahead'. But what they don't understand is that in the meantime, we need to live through all this rubbish. The everyday is getting me down.
My job is good. I like being in an adult environment and it is a useful and fun distraction.
But I think it makes me feel worse in my Alice Time. It's as though I spend all my 'smiling vouchers' between 10am and 6pm everyday during the week, that when it comes to relaxing, I seem to be in a permanent state of moodiness.
I am not particularly good at change, at the best of times. We've sat back and laughed at all things that are now different, and how, isn't it strange that six months ago, we were in such a different place. We don't laugh in a funny way. We laugh in surprise.
The thing is, I don't want to be all different, and moving forward, and planning the future.
I want to be back in our lovely flat, with my lovely baby, living my lovely life that used to be such fun.
That's really all I want. And I cannot have it.
I'm not good at accepting things I can't have.
So I'm grumpy. If you can't tell.
Over and out.


  1. i want all that for you too. i am so sorry it can't be the way you (and I) had planned. you have every right to feel grumpy, in fact, you have every right to feel whatever it is you need to feel. i hope in the future you can find a way to relax that, i will not say makes you happy, leaves you feeling at peace. sending lot of love your way! {{{hugs}}}

  2. Some people keep telling me that grumpy is supposed to be normal. Don't know if that's true. Don't even know what normal is nowadays.

    Sending you a hug.... and if you let me.... (even though I don't know you or bear)..... blowing him a little peck on the cheek.

    Maria with Thea in her heart.

  3. The more time that passes since Bear died, the more you are bound to find this weird conflict going on. So much of how you live your life, including lots of the good things that happen from this point forward, would probably not have happened if Bear had lived.

    It was one of many partings of the ways that happen in life, only we don't really notice most of them.

    This one is marked on your heart, though, and so you will always be aware, whenever you are moving forward or celebrating anything, that you are living a different life than the one you planned.

  4. My new baby is due next month, and we can't wait for him to get here. But I can't help thinking that he might never have existed if my son Josef had lived two years ago - and it's not easy to reconcile the feelings of wishing we could change it all and wanting this newbie.

    It must be normal to be conflicted about all those things, and to have phases of being miserable, grumpy and just plain tired of the missing and the heartache.

  5. It's nice that people care and want you to be happy, but in my experience, it can be a bit of a strain when everyone is just so keen for you to be 'fixed'. I think it's hard for others to realise that the pain of Bear's loss is never going to leave you, no matter how nice your new house or how many lovely babies you have in the future.

    Acceptance is easy to say and hard to do, but in the absence of a 'rewind and fix it' button, it's the only thing we can work for.

    In conclusion: be as grumpy as you need to be - there are enough things to feel bad about, without adding guilt into the mix ...

  6. Life will never be the same - you will always wonder what Bear would think of this...and that will help you make the best of everything and not bother about the rubbish things. As times goes on for me I think of my daughter more and more each day...sometimes in sadness and then in reflectiveness. Lots of love xx

  7. Keeping you all close in my thoughts, in one way we want time to stand still or go back to that other time. Everyone wants to fix us, no one can. A new house, another little one, Bear will always be part of your lives and theirs, I ask myself why people feel the need to fix it, sometimes it is nice to be grumpy and to let others accept that is who we are and where we are. I know when my daughter arrived 2 years after my baby boy died, I was forever being asked are you all better now? has it all been sorted? I wanted to scream, I want my son to be here but my scream is in my head.
    Alice, be who you are, be grumpy, be whatever is right for you.
    Sending a big hug to you. xxx

  8. Many people will tell you how to feel or what to feel but the sad reality is that I think I have forgotten how to 'feel' at times. Like someone has put an epidural into my emotions.

    I can say 'I know how you feel' - I don't. Every mother who lives through losing their child is different. Each loss and each life is special in its own way.
    What I do know is that you're an inspiration - a hero. Like I said - I don't think I could do what you have and I have the utmost respect for you and Toby.