Thursday, 29 September 2011

And so we're here at ten...

Gosh, this is strange. Ten months since Bear was born and here I am writing another post. I haven't been very good at filling in the monthly blog dots recently. I seem to have fallen into a new habit, whereby, I don't use the blog for anything but to commemorate my little Boy's months since birth.
It wasn't a conscious decision. In part, I think I wanted to take my story, my feelings back inside. At the beginning, and for some time afterwards, I felt that it was right to keep a note and document this journey - however terrible it's been. This journey is still Bear's story and I didn't want the passage of time, to eat up the memories and leave us with even less. I am so pleased, when I sit back and think about it, that I have this amazing journal of Bear's story. It keeps him very much alive to me, and alive to others, some of whom we don't even know - but whom seem to care no less.
In this vain, the blog has been a meeting place for other mothers - and fathers - who have trudged through the same heavy mud of grief, and that makes me feel proud. Proud, that in some small part, I haven't so much as helped, but at least offered them some food for thought.
I have also made a new friend through the blog. She found me here, many months ago, and we have met and bonded, as have our husbands. That has been another positive to come out of all this darn sadness.
I feel as though I'm signing off forever, but I'm not. I suppose though, I am entering a new stage in my Bear story. I am pregnant. Someone asked me whether I'd write about it on Bear's blog. And I said, immediately, of course. It is because of my darling Bear that I am, where I am today, and that means that this pregnancy, will always be a direct result of Bear's life.
I am heading towards the half way mark and have managed to keep things pretty quiet. I still don't feel like swinging from the trees or shouting from the roof tops, but I can't say that this pregnancy doesn't give us some hope back.
At the beginning, it made us sad. It made us think of Bear and remember how we felt last time around. When we didn't know that such terrible things could happen. When we were untouched by grief. A new pregnancy, puts the previous one into perspective and that has been hard.
But we are here, and we are moving forward and for that I am thankful. I hope we have a smooth ride. We are under the best care known to womankind, which helps. Please keep everything crossed for us. It's such a scary journey and I so hope that this time around it ends happily.
People say that Bear is watching over us. But I don't want to burden him with that. I just pray that he can feel our love and that he remains close by, as always.
Don't worry, this isn't the end.... I'm just feeling in a reflective mood.


  1. Dear Alice,

    Yours was the first blog my husband and I found back in May when our first baby, Seamus, died. I can’t tell you what a comfort it was to read your words and nod along with swollen, tear filled eyes.

    Bear is a beautiful little boy, and I am so sorry for what happened.

    I am sort of in the same boat as you - in the first stages of a fledging pregnancy, one that would not have happened were it not for Seamus, and finding it a serious test of nerve. We plan to keep it to ourselves for as long as possible (if all continues well) partly because we know how horribly wrong things can go, but also because we worry that once we begin to tell people, there will be a collective exhale from friends and family who may assume “All is now put right again.” And I’m fiercely protective over Seamus and his memory, I don’t want him to be overshadowed by this new little life. We’re scared to think of the future, and scared to let ourselves invest too much, but the hope is starting to bubble through a little. The road ahead seems so long.

    I will save the congratulations for now, and wish you lots of luck instead. I’m quietly hopeful that all goes well for you, and that the next few weeks sail smoothly by.

    Take care,

  2. Wonderful news. Wishing you all the best

  3. Congratulations! I am wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months. :)

    I am expecting my "rainbow" baby in about 3 weeks and these last weeks are the hardest. If you ever need someone to talk to you can come find me through my blog.

    Best wishes

  4. Congratulations on your pregnancy. :) I'm glad to hear you are able to have a little of your hope back.

  5. I found your blog when I was new to this world. I am so happy for you and that you are expecting. I wish you all the best and may everything continue to go well for you and your husband. Yes, Bear is with you in this new journey and he always will be. Sending hugs.

  6. Beautiful my lovely friend. I love you. Ax

  7. I have never ever had such goose pimples running over my body as i read your blog this morning.
    I was just on Skype to Elio and he was asking after you.
    I was delighted to be able to tell him your news.
    Alice I can't wait to see youxoxox

  8. Hi. I have not checked in for awhile and I am happy to hear your good news. I became pregnant with my daughter very soon after our son was stillborn. In one way it was a blessing as it gave us hope but it was extra hard because, while very happy to be pregnant again, of course all I wanted was my son back. Sending all my good wishes for as uneventful a pregnancy as possible and wishing I could do something to alleviate all the fears I am sure you have. I know my husband and I couldn't quite believe it when our daughter was born and we were actually going to have a baby to take home. All the best, love Holly

  9. Dear Alice and Toby, precious news a little baby brother or sister for Bear. I know your world we lost our first child our beautiful baby girl Amy at 41 weeks. 4 months later we found out we were having Amy's baby brother Luke and now also have another little brother for her Jack. Alice I have followed your journey and your beautiful words for your darling son if you ever need to talk I am here as my contact details are with Colette WLS. Wishing you much love Angela Osborne x

  10. Congratulations on your new pregnancy.

    I'm now 2 days away from being induced and its been the scariest but most worthwhile of rides. I never believed we'd make it this far. Even now with 2 days until our hopefully happy ending the fear is there. I've been angry at times that each shining happy hopeful moment during this pregnancy has been tainted by fear, that the naive joy of Belle's pregnancy has not been granted to my boy too, but I've come to accept that its just the way things are now.

    Wishing you lots of gentle days ahead and the happiest of endings this time. Caz xx

  11. Congratulations,
    This is such beautiful news to read, and shows we can not let loss define our lives-just relish in beautiful memories. We marked 4 months without our son last Friday. Im back to work, and each day is a reminder of him, seeing moms who were expecting with me at the same time shopping is treacherous. I have to resist asking if I could give the stroller a little push around. I saw a baby in the same stroller I had purchased-it took my breath away but I smiled as it seemed like the baby was enjoying the ride. I cant wait to hear more of your beautiful journey.

  12. Hi Alice

    I haven't been on your blog for a while & was just congratulating a friend who's daughter gave birth today & shedding a few tears as my daughter lost her daughter at 39 weeks in March this year & i thought about you. I had this overwhelming feeling you where pregnant & logged onto your site, I just knew your happy news. I hope my daughter will soon be pregnant again, we'll never forget your darling Bear & our beautiful Mia they will always be in our hearts.

    Be brave it will be all worth it.

    Karen x