Nine little candles, one for every month that I have lived without my son, Bear.
It's been a higgledy piggeldy month. My brain is in quite a few different places - hence my lack of posts. Even though this is my own private outlet for my Bear, it seems to have become a public place. A place where people can, and do, comment - either on the blog, or in their heads. In the most part, this is always supportive. But sometimes, it makes me feel constrained and judged. And that is why I don't blog. I like to keep some things close.
One this I've learnt to do this month is fall asleep in the knowledge that Bear will be my arms at some point in the night. I know he won't actually be there, but it's a new comfort and I like to think that we are close that way.
Darling one, it has been as long that you've gone, as the time that you lived in my tummy. That is a strange thought. I'm not sure yet if it's comforting, or not.
Either way, I have thought about you lots today. As I do everyday. You are always here with me and your special, special Daddy. We will never let your candle light burn out. We love you deeply. Rest peacefully. Kisses.....
Oh Alice. What a beautiful thought, to think and feel that he'll be in your arms at some time during the night. That line has truly made me view sleep in a whole different way. Now I want to go from avoidance, to welcoming it, hoping that I too will have my little boy in my arms during the night. Bear is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI'm also coming up to 9 months, and it's been on my mind alot that he's been dead and away of me physically as long as he was inside of me alive and well. It's another heartbreaking mark of time. Nine candles is such a lovely sentiment. Missing your little Bear with you. xo
Alice;
ReplyDeleteYou have such an eloquent way of posting your sorrow, Bear is so lucky to have a mum who is able to express so well how much she misses and loves him. I read your blog updates and intend to dive into sharing Brody's story on mine too, for I firmly believe that reading how other mothers are handling the enormous loss truly helps more than even counselling-unintentionaLly I read about your heartache and cry. I cry for your loss, but also because there isn't a counsellor that I know of that's experienced what I feel. You do, and your blog certainly helps me learn that despite feeling lost and not myself-that I'm living my new normal.
Much love to your family,
Dear Alice,
ReplyDeleteI'm sad that you refrain from blogging because of being judged, but I know how you feel - I used to write on mine at least once a week, but haven't posted for weeks now - more because the things that I think about the most are things that I can't talk about for fear of hurting people close to me.
I think that the way that you deal with and write about your loss is truly astonishing - it gives hope to other women and families and is beautiful in its own right.
Please try to keep writing, if you can; yours is the blog that I check repeatedly, yours are the words which make me cry, yet comfort me at the same time.
Thinking of you and your beautiful Bear,
Abbie - lost a baby girl at 19 weeks April 2010, and my boy, Freddie at 25 weeks on March 25th.xxx
Dear Alice, I hope you felt your baby near. I remember antenatal yoga sessions when we would think of our babies attached to us by a thread of golden light. The instructor said, wherever your baby is in the world, however old, that golden thread exhists, it cannot be broken.
ReplyDeleteMy Mum passed on the Times article about you in the same week as I happened to read an article about Amanda Holden. It is nearly three and a half years since I lost my baby but I am still looking for answers and tend to notice patterns. I noted that both you and Amanda commented on how active were your babies, she described her son as boisterous, and Felix was the same. I have been very fortunate to have carried and delivered two wonderful boys, my pregnancy with Felix was considered and tested to be normal and healthy, there was no medical reason for his death, but the differences in the movements were remarkable. I haven't spent time with SANDS, I feel I need this more now, but wondered what place was there for this sort of anecdotal evidence, the feelings, rather than scientific tests? It is something which I need to pursue. With love and best wishes.
Dear Alice, I hope you felt your baby near. I remember antenatal yoga sessions when we would think of our babies attached to us by a thread of golden light. The instructor said, wherever your baby is in the world, however old, that golden thread exists, it cannot be broken.
ReplyDeleteMy Mum passed on the Times article about you in the same week as I happened to read an article about Amanda Holden. It is nearly three and a half years since I lost my baby but I am still looking for answers and tend to notice patterns. I noted that both you and Amanda commented on how active were your babies, she described her son as boisterous, and Felix was the same. I have been very fortunate to have carried and delivered two wonderful boys, my pregnancy with Felix was considered and tested to be normal and healthy, there was no medical reason for his death, but the differences in the movements were remarkable. I haven't spent time with SANDS, I feel I need this more now, but wondered what place was there for this sort of anecdotal evidence, the feelings, rather than scientific tests? It is something which I need to pursue. With love and best wishes.
3 September 2011 02:59
u r a strong woman to write a blog now xxx send u hugs and love xxx i just started bloggin about losing my baby angel who i lost in labour but it has took me 3 yr xxx i would have love to have done a blog every month coz in 2 or 3 yrs u will have this to look back on xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry that you feel judged. Personally, my own ramblings were purely meant to send you a little virtual love and support. If in any way they came across as anything else, then please forgive me, I can only blame my inadequacy at picking the right words. Your blog has bought so much to so many in the same position. And even though I am blessed to have not experienced the horrors you have, I just want you to get to a place where you can feel some happiness again without some crazy guilt that happiness is not allowed ever again. I do understand that this loss will never leave you and a little part of your heart died with Bear but I also believe wholeheartedly that you will love life again at some point. and that it is right to do so. and (like the best nights out from mispent 20s) it will happen when unplanned and unexpected. Keep heart. sending you virtual hugs x
ReplyDeleteI know I've already commented here Alice, but I keep checking to see if you've posted, and I feel sad every time I look and there's nothing new.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming up to it being 6 months since my baby boy was born - just less than the time he lived inside me.
Struggling at the moment...
Thinking of you with strength and love and all right from the pit of my stomach.
Abbie.xxx