There are many things I do not want to do at the moment. Wear my engagement ring (if feels too celebratory), go out to busy restaurants (ditto), spend too much time thinking about what I wear, hold babies, lie in the bath, think back to when I was pregnant or take photographs. Who would want a snap shot of such a tragic time?
The last time I had my finger on the shutter button, my baby was lying on my lap and there were smiles all round. We took lots of pictures as we explored all his nooks and crannies. And thank goodness we did because your mind's eye has the memory of a fish when it comes to small details such as crinkly knuckles and tiny square shoulders.
Today as we walk along the River Thames in Wind and The Willows land, surrounded by sad, weeping trees the scenery exactly mirrored our mood. Even so, I did not reach for the camera. This is not a place to revisit.
Walking is my salvation. I am Forrest Gump at a slower pace. Maybe it is the physical sensation of actually moving forward that tricks your mind into thinking you are making progress. Perhaps, it is the rhythmic movement that is comforting. Or knowing that you can waste several hours without speaking to anyone else.