I am still standing in the wake of all the stillbirth craziness from last week. I feel whacked in the head.
In one sense, it's been amazing. We've stood on the roof tops and sung his name. We've loved having the public space to revel in our boy.
Toby felt as though the marathon was a big long day out with his son. Together the ran and soaked up the attention and heard their names said together with excitment.
I loved seeing both of their faces running through the crowds spreading the word and giving our cause more publicity. I felt proud and that was nice.
I also feel confused.
Confused about how my life is changing. New job. New home. Less time to sit and stare at Bear.
I know it's good. I know we're moving forward and he is still with us. Stronger than ever, in some senses.
But as we creep towards five months since I kissed his toes, I feel heavy.
He will never be here. I know that now.
But he is still my lovely, gorgeous, perfect boy. I just wish it was all simpler and more joyous.
Aww, you are doing great love, and he IS here. Believe that. :) wishing you peace and love! xoxo
ReplyDelete-isha
Bless you, I heard your interview and felt every word of what you said. It is lovely to be able to talk about our angels but its also exhausting. Give yourself time, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, its still early days. For me its 13 years since I lost my baby to miscarriage and 6 years since I lost my son to meningitis and YOU DO GET THERE, at the moment you probably don't even know where 'there' is.
ReplyDeleteThink about gorgeous Bear as much as you like, cry, scream, anything... in time it will become simpler and more joyous, and Bear will always be smiling down upon his special mummy.
Take Care
Sarah xx
Alice said...
ReplyDeleteDear Alice,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Our twin sons were born prematurely on 5th September 2010. Seth died after two short days of life, and Oscar died a month later after a series of medical errors. I hardly need to tell you that our hearts are broken.
Our story is in many ways very different to yours, but I live in London too and my experiences of care during my pregnancy and labour were extremely bad, even at a large NHS hospital with a supposedly good reputation.
If you want any support in your efforts to draw attention to the poor quality of antenatal care in London then I would be happy to be involved.
Best wishes,
Alice (also)
alice dot adams at hotmail dot com
Hi Alice
ReplyDeleteI have just read your article in The Times. I am sorry for your loss. Your story mirrors my recent experience. I lost my daughter just over 3 weeks ago at 41 weeks. I too felt like I was probably just wasting the time of the midwife when I felt reduced movements and just expected everything to be ok. I can honestly say I had never even thought about losing my baby even when they were having difficulty finding a heartbeat.
I too had felt movements weeks earlier than is expected and the midwife also heard the heartbeat earlier than usual. We have another 4 weeks to wait for the results of the post-mortem. I felt like a complete freak of nature when we first lost our daughter, this has never happened to anyone else I thought. It was only when I started to talk to people and look on the internet that I realised I was not alone, not by a long way. I discovered how many people have been through exactly the same thing and how terrible the figures were for stillbirths on the UK. It is just not talked about and swept under the carpet. I am determined not to do that and I am not ashamed in any way talking about my daughter and what has happened.
Erin is our first born and our beautiful daughter will always be with us where ever we go.
Take care
Claire
ALICE I LOVE THE TSHIRT THAT TOBY WORE ON MARATHON DAY.
ReplyDeleteI FEEL BEARS PRESENCE SO STRONGLY.
DONT ASK ME WHY, I JUST DO.
HE IS DEFINATLEY AS REAL AS REAL CAN BE.
BLESS HIM BLESS YOU AND BLESS TOBY.
XOXOXOXOX
Reading your blog every day now and each time i cry. I honour my daughters memory by trying to live each day as well & good that I can. Wish I could write & express myself as well as you - you are not only honouring Bear but you are giving huge comfort to those that have also suffered the unbearable loss of a baby that is born asl. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteSaw your article in The Times and meant to post sooner. So so happy they printed Bear's picture. My first thought was: what a brave move on their part, and then I thought how silly that it required an act of bravery to print a picture of a beautiful baby boy.
ReplyDeleteI lost my baby boy Elliot at term, too, although I have a reason for his death: intrauterine pneumonia and chorioamnionitis. No signs, no symptoms of either, and without them, no way of knowing. However, I totally agree with your point about interviewing mothers after a stillbirth. There were things I wondered about afterwards, whether they were significant or not, and until we start seeking anecdotal evidence from mums, we'll never know. I've been lucky enough to talk through it with a couple of consultants and a number of midwives (my hospital runs a service called Birth Stories for women who've had difficult pregnancies/labours) but it's not the same. It seems mad that they don't ask us - after all, we've carried our babies for the past nine months.
Really feel Sands should be pushing for this. If nothing else, it is good to talk about our pregnancies and their births (Elliot died during labour) and to be reassured by a professional that we did nothing wrong.
Jo x