Ramblings in my mind

I am having so many sad thoughts at the moment, here they are in no particular order:
1. I went to get the washing from Bear's room. I had used the same Fairy softener I bought when I was washing all his clothes. The room smelt like him. He rushed up my nose and made me giddy. And then I realised how tragic it is to think that's the only smell I have for him.
2. I am crying a lot. All I need is the mention of his name and I'm off. Four months, he should be gurgling and laughing at me, not staring out (with closed eyes) from his gorgeous photos.
3. Toby and I used to be big trees in the centre of our forest of friends. Now we are on our own tiny island. People can row over. But they can also row home again.
4. Every laugh, and there aren't many, is succeeded by a quiet pause - The Realisation.
5. I don't want to leave his room behind.