Thursday, 28 April 2011

On the eve of Bear's anniversary

So much is going on at the moment. New job, mid-house, changes everywhere. And amidst the madness, my heart still knows that Bear is what really matters.
He might not be here, but his presence is everywhere.
How can we have lost our little boy?
How did this happen?
I still don't have answers.
I look at myself, sitting at my new desk at work, and I seem to be completely composed. And yet, on my own, when I see beautiful things, when I hear about sad stories, when a gust of winds catches me the wrong way around, I'm broken. Tears, confusion.... Just in a cloud of Bear. And nothing else matters.
My two-dimensional life is very confusing. I can no longer predict my emotions. It's as though there is a Bear steam train always waiting to chug out of the station, taking me with it on the saddest journey of my life.
I sound like an utter wreck. And yet I can seem completely normal. That's the thing about this crazy, tragic story. Nothing is as you expect it. And I still don't know where the spirit of my darling boy rests.


  1. I feel exactly the same, everything has changed, yet at the same time.. it appears as though nothing has. Life goes on, I still function on a daily basis, but my every thought is of Kristen.
    Thinking of you and Bear tonight.

  2. I am 6 years since losing my son and can still have days like you describe, being an Angel Mum never goes away, you just learn to live with life as it now is. I remember going to a compassionate friends meeting just weeks after Matthew died and a lady there said it was 17 years for her and that it was still awful, I was horrified but now I see she was the only one who was honest with me.
    Us Angel mums quickly develope a mask, at first we dont even realise we are wearing it but in time we notice that we never take it off, you see our mask makes others feel better. You will never forget Bear however many anniversaries you have, he will always be with you in your heart and mind but one day it wont hurt quite so much.
    I wish I could give you a hug as only another angel mum can.
    Sending my thoughts to you as we approach Bears Angel Day. I will light a candle for him on my website.
    Take care and be kind to yourself
    Sarah x

  3. He is everywhere, and most of all, he is in your soul and in your heart everywhere you go and will go for the rest of your life.
    He is missed by all. He is the little boy we all wish we could know.
    Love you my friend.....Ax

  4. Hello Alice
    This is the first time I have come across your blog and it's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm so sorry about Bear and all you've been through.
    I'm currently making a short film called Peekaboo which looks at the devastation stillbirth has caused for one couple that have lost three babies, and the mum then has a breakdown as she can't cope with the grief. It's been a difficult journey to get this film made, as it's looking at three taboos of our society, baby loss, the freedom to grieve and mental health issues. I'm hoping the film will help to raise awareness of the pain families go through. Although this a fiction drama, I am also planning to make a full length feature documentary later this year looking at people's own stories.
    We have independently financed our film so far and it's been a challenge indeed. If you know anyone that might want to help please feel free to spread the word, the link to our promo is:
    Love and best wishes to you and Bear and to all the other babies that didn't make it and their families.
    Debbie Howard
    Big Buddha Films

  5. Hi Alice,
    I have just re-listened to your Radio 4 interview. We heard it on the 14th April and sadly heard we'd lost our little boy on the 17th. We had commented that we couldn't imagine anything worse and how amazingly strong you were to be trying to get the message out there. We had no idea it would happen to us and so soon. I was 40+4 weeks and had a totally normal midwife check 5 days before + a very easy pregnancy. I cannot quite believe the similarities and have that horrible wait now for the test results.
    I think it's amazing that you were able to speak about it and hope I can also do as much as possible to get the message out there. If we can get even one mother to check anything that they may notice, be it changes in movement, twinges, pains or headaches to the point of annoying the professionals, it'd be a good thing! Our midwives were fantastic but I so wish I'd maybe noticed something that could have meant earlier intervention, especially if the results show he was healthy.
    Your blog has really helped me to know that other people are going through the same and has made me want to write down my own experience so I have it tucked away to refer to if I need to. Hopefully it will also provide the doctors with details that may help find out why we lost our beautiful boy.
    I hope we can somehow get the research moving to find out why this happens and reduce our horrendous statistics of still birth. Please keep up the good work and I hope you now have loads of interest in you story.
    If we can help in any way, do let us know. There's a lot of us out there who it has affected!
    Best wishes to you & a big hug to your lovely Bear.
    R x

  6. I read all your blog. Everything you write....all of your feelings are exactly the same as mine.

    I lost my daughter Thea at nearly 36 weeks. Born silent with her little eyes closed.

    It hurts like mad! I keep think I'm going to wake up from this nightmere. Then I think.... it's real.... you're never going to wake up. It's all terribly real.

    sending hugs your way.


  7. Thank you for being our voice! The voice of all mothers of angels. You speak for all of us in your thoughts and feelings and are so brave to raise awareness of this still taboo subject. Anything that can be done to get more research and raise awareness is so worth while.
    I lost Owen on Christmas day 2011 he was born perfect on his due date 27th December I am only a few weeks behind you on this journey so your words speak volumes to me and have helped me and so many others and will continue to do so. I live every day for my boy now. Take him with me in my broken heart to make his 9 month life with me count forever.
    Here is a passage I found helpful in those dark early days taken from another blog, "I want to write you a letter that someone wrote me that has made me feel a little more strength to get through this:
    During this time of your greatest sorrow, you will want answers to which no one can give. You will want peace that can't be found. You will want your beautiful baby in your arms. Everyone can feel your sadness although not to your degree. No one can state that there is any fairness for the suffering you are experiencing. But this I do know. Your child lived nine months with a mother who loved and cared for him. Its biological contributions were from the parents, but God breathed a soul into it, and love was given by all who began to know him/her from the time your pregnancy test was positive. Fate was cruel but you were not responsible. This is not a punishment although it probably seems that way. Sadly, its just nature at its worst. Nothing more nothing less. You gave your child everything a mother should. A warm nurturing environment where everyday he heard your voice, went to sleep to the sounds of your heart, felt your love, excitement and anticipation of having him/her as a child, and you still have that. A child's longevity is not what makes you a mother it’s that they are a child. Some spiritualists believe that every soul has a purpose, and when that purpose is done, so is its time on earth. Regardless of your child’s tasks on this earth it was a baby of value. A lovely precious child you will that you will think of and love forever. but somewhere in your sadness and sorrow remember what a blessing he/she was to you."

    Sending you all my love as only one angels mum to another can