Friday, 25 March 2011

The 25th

It is exactly four months since our lives changed forever. Four months since we woke up a happy couple, expectant parents, and went to bed broken.
The mind and the memory are crazy things. Toby and I have had heavy boots for a couple of days now. I don't think we'd consciously realised that we were nearing those terrible twenties dates, and yet our subconscious is fully aware. Switched on to the gruesome anniversary that we have to endure every month.
When we stop, and say, oh, that's why we are so sad this week, we think back to November. We reflect on how life can pick you up and deposit everything you know into some far off land, where the roses don't smell as sweet.
We are trying to be positive. Not for everyone else, but for our own sanity and ease. But trying doesn't mean much when your baby has died.
I thought, considering the weather, that I should put on my trainers and go for a walk. Breathe in some fresh air.
So I came to the park. And walked straight into what was meant to be.
The grass all warm and freshly cut. The playground bouncing about, heavy with excited screams.
We are moving in a month and will wave goodbye to a whole life that was at the crease and ready to bat.


  1. I'm sorry Alice. :(

    I hate this time of the month too, as I'm getting nearer to starting my whole week+ of sadness all over again soon. :(

    Thinking of you, especially today.

  2. Alice, I hope your move will give you a fresh start and while the memories will never go away I hope you can move on a little easier.

  3. November 2010 was awful for me too, we lost our daughter at 22wks gestation. She lived for five hours, but they consider 23wks viable, so no medical help was available for her. I'm so sorry for the lost of your handsome boy! I know there are no words that will comfort, but I'm going to follow you, and if you are ever looking for support, I'm here (across the ocean... but here!)

  4. Dear Alice, I came across your blog via Hugo Rifkind on my newly discovered Twitter...I don't know if this might help but I sincerely hope it does - when my dad died I read this repeatedly; I fully understand it is not the same manifestation of pain, but I so hope it gives you some comfort - if you google Henry Scott Holland you'll find it it in full - here a tiny sliver - 'I have only slipped away into the next room....' My he is very very handsome...xx