Something that confuses me deeply, is the fact that I have always been able to rely on my body.
Having done years of ballet training, competitive athletes, reformer pilates and skiing, my body has grown strong and dependable. Even after giving birth, and having taken up yoga, I have noticed how it has risen to the physical challenges and put me above many of the other beginners in the class.
So how will I ever accept that when I needed my body most, it let me down?
I sailed through pregnancy, just as I sail through ever other physical demand. I don't get sick. I build muscle and tone quickly, I have great balance, and yet, nearly 16 weeks ago, something snapped inside me. Something gave up the ghost.
Despite it's propensity to heal and rebuild after Bear was born. Despite not getting even a the whiff of a sniffle while I carried my son, today my body is no longer my friend.
Bear didn't do it. He isn't to blame.
Something went wrong with the pregnancy. I don't hold it against myself. There was nothing I could do.... but my inner workings failed, and now the trust is gone.