Tuesday, 22 March 2011

My body

Something that confuses me deeply, is the fact that I have always been able to rely on my body.
Having done years of ballet training, competitive athletes, reformer pilates and skiing, my body has grown strong and dependable. Even after giving birth, and having taken up yoga, I have noticed how it has risen to the physical challenges and put me above many of the other beginners in the class.
So how will I ever accept that when I needed my body most, it let me down?
I sailed through pregnancy, just as I sail through ever other physical demand. I don't get sick. I build muscle and tone quickly, I have great balance, and yet, nearly 16 weeks ago, something snapped inside me. Something gave up the ghost.
Despite it's propensity to heal and rebuild after Bear was born. Despite not getting even a the whiff of a sniffle while I carried my son, today my body is no longer my friend.
Bear didn't do it. He isn't to blame.
Something went wrong with the pregnancy. I don't hold it against myself. There was nothing I could do.... but my inner workings failed, and now the trust is gone.

1 comment:

  1. dear alice, as i found your blog yesterday, i directly wanted to jump on the plane to london to meet you and talk to you. i am so thankful you are writing about it. i am an amsterdam-based journalist and i gave birth to a lovely still born son in october. counting the days, somehow enjoying the sunshine and grieving like you. my baby died in my belly a week before his birth. the things you describe are very recognizable. the drawers full of babyclothes, your feelings towards friends with babies, the walks in nature, the mind that won't stop, even the yogapractice. i have been writing about it, but not online. it feels vulnerable to do so, so please do not post this but contact me if you like: mari@xs4all.nl
    mariette hermans