Wednesday, 9 March 2011


I have been reading back over my pregnancy blog.
Seeing as I have totally forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant, I thought I'd remind myself, that yes, I did carry a gorgeous baby for nine long, perfect months.
I came across this entry, posted at the end of September....

As I grow, the bear remains happy and active. I had a good doctor's appointment yesterday and heard the heartbeat and got a clean bill of health. Both are a relief, although the amount this baby moves I don't tend to worry about it's heartbeat. This morning, it was so active that I became a little bit freaked. There were bangs and kicks and continual whollops in the ribs, despite all the books saying that the baby has less space now and probably won't move that much. Mmm, these books haven't met the Pullen bear and all it's amazing activity.

How I wish I could have got him out then. Or later. Even on the morning he died, he was kicking and making himself known. Oh, to be able to look into the future.


  1. You don't know how many times I have this exact precise wish...

  2. What ifs and If onlys are such horrible companions. And as life goes on, they get more complicated, too.

    Through their deaths, our babies changed everything in our lives - and so many of the good things that have come since would probably never have happened had they been here.

    Once you've started down the new path, you can't guess how things might have been. Friendships, relationships, life choices, new babies - all are different afterwards.

    That's the legacy of our lost babies to us. That and an insight into a kind of grief that many of us had been cushioned from before.

  3. Not that it stops us from wishing to go back and make it all different ...