One thing I know I've lost, is the ability to shut my eyes take myself off on a pleasant journey. A thinking holiday.
Before my darling Bear died, I'd lie in bed, and in those moments when your body feels heavy and light all the same time, be bale to think about the happy times ahead.
When I was pregnant, I enjoyed mentally jumping forward and imagining myself in misty images that involved gardens and babies. Before this, it was my wedding dress. Or outfits I'd be excited to put together (pathetic, but true). Nights out with friends. Holidays. Love, romance. Anything really that was topical on Planet Alice, I'd be able to enjoy in the comfort of my own head.
It wasn't that I couldn't live in the present, it's just that the future excited me too.
Even though I know, very very deep down, that the future still remains bright, I ca no longer get there in my thoughts.
My brain literally stops at Bear, as if there is a lollipop lady of sadness on patrol every time I go to think.
Future happiness is currently waiting, with the engine running, at the zebra crossing.