Monday, 7 March 2011


We did a big thing yesterday. We went to a wedding and put ourselves out there and had to do things like mingle, and smile at old acquaintances, and generally act like as normal a couple as possible.
This wedding wasn't about us. It was about sharing in the happiness of great, kind, beautiful friends who are now husband and wife.
Beforehand, I was apprehensive in a big way.
I knew people would be looking at us, The Couple Whose Baby Died, and thinking.... oh dear. Poor them. What should I do?
The majority did nothing. Just the usual, 'Hi, how are you', as if everything is totally normal.
That hurts.
Others, managed to avoid our eye contact altogether. It's easier that way, they probably thought. And in a sense, they were right, because there are only so many times I can keep my tears from seeping out and making everyone feel bad.
Some, some were courageous and kind and came and said hello. And talked about Bear. And listened to us. And took time out of their own happiness and dancing time, to show their respects. These friends, some of whom I don't know all that well, others who I have not seen for many years, made it all ok.
They were brave.
We know it is hard. Coming to talk to us, mentioning our baby who died. But Bear's death hasn't made us scary.
Those who made us feel normal and dignified our struggles, will now always have a special place in our hearts.
Thank you.


  1. I have been amazed at how many times I've felt like I had to make people feel comfortable to talk to me again. It's so odd, I'm the one grieving and yet I'm worried about them and their feelings.

    I think that talking about dead babies is one of the last taboo's. People don't want to face it. It's everyone's greatest fear. They don't want to "go there" in their mind. As a result of this fear, they avoid us. Or they avoid talking to us about our loss. It's just too much for them to bear.

    I noticed a significant drop in the number of Christmas cards we got this year. I guess people didn't know if they should send cards to "the couple who just lost their baby." It was very hurtful. I try not to let it get to me. I try and understand where they are coming from. Some days I do a better job than others.

    I'm glad you felt strong enough to go to the wedding. I hope you were able to enjoy yourself a bit. I also hope you are able to not let the people who avoided you or weren't kind get to you too much.

  2. I think you're courageous for putting yourselves out there. You forgot the mention that part!

    I agree with everything you've written here. I also agree w/ the commenter above- so true. I hate that I worry about how "they" feel. So silly. And baby loss isn't contagious, so why would you avoid my like the plague?

    It's interesting though, this sort of thing does help to make your brightest shine, you know?

  3. Alice, reading this post has made us want to comment on your amazing blog. We admire your courange and you've written so beautifully. All mums are biased but i agree Bear is a handsome little boy with beautiful lips. It is lovely that you dream(ed) about him.

    thinking of you.
    louise and ben

  4. I am so so proud of you both. well done.
    I am so sad that i didnt get to say goodbye to you this morning. i havent stopped thinking about. Feeling fear literally feeling fear for you. You did it. Its all steps....Axxx

  5. Well done x Also I've found that Catriona being born still has shown me who my friends really are. There are people I would have considered my best friends who had more important things to do than come to her funeral. Or even send a text or a card, ever. But then there are people who I barely knew "before" who really stepped up and have become my rocks. They get easier, these public things, as you see more and more people you know. But I have never yet managed to truly relax about going anywhere, ever, as you never know what people will say/do/ask/ not say/not do/ not ask. xxx