Thursday, 3 March 2011


I just woke up. I turned over and there in Toby's sleeping face I saw Bear. The same brow line, the same nose, just the same overall Tobyness.
I love how much they look alike. When I was naive and innocent and not part of this sad appendix to what I thought was a normal pregnancy story, I used to wonder what our baby would look like. I hoped that it would have lots of dark hair and resemble Toby, because as anyone apart from my mother will testify to, I blossomed later.
I got what I asked for, I just forgot to request a strong heartbeat too.
If Bear had grown up to be a fraction of the man lying next to me now, I'd be up to the brim with pride.
There are so many what if's around his birth, and so many more about his life.
When your baby is born sleeping it is like having the best present (ever) wafted under your nose and then having it returned to sender before you've properly undone the wrapping paper.
Excuse my language, but life's a bitch.

1 comment:

  1. Alice, first I am so sorry for your loss of Bear. He is so gorgeous and your last comment in your post is so true. It's like having your baby right there but he/she is still and your life is ripped to shreds after that. I so understand and I just hope there are better days ahead for us all. Hugs across the internet, Shelly