My mind feels clearer after a day on the slopes. I was getting pretty overwhelmed there and while I still have heaviness in my heart I don't feel panicky today. It's a relief.
There is something wonderful about using your mind to control your body and not having the space to think. While I'm skiing I'm focused on my technique. This means that the minute I get on a chairlift or in the bubble car, I'm straight back to Bear. It's ok. I quite like it. He's my boy and I enjoy that he takes up lots of time. I can waste hours (as I did on the transfer) just going through everything.
I still cannot believe this has all happened.
Sometimes I think, and hope, that it's some kind of temporary misdemeanour that will pass.
While we ate lunch today a family on a nearby table enjoyed cooing at their lovely baby girl. We were meant to take Bear skiing with the rest of the family in April. And last time I was in the mountains I was 6 weeks pregnant and full of hope.
Being back is bittersweet.