Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Happy and sad, happy and sad

Within the space of a couple of minutes I went from happy to sad tonight. Maybe it was the red wine. We ate cheese fondue and talked about the future. It seemed ok for a while. Positive, solid, strong together. Then, from nowhere, tears. Maybe it was waiting for Toby to play his Scrabble turn that did it. I only need an extra second here, the gift of a silent moment there, and wham, bam, I'm all welled up and trying not to cry in public.
Don't get me wrong, this skiing trip has done wonders to help mask the pain. I feel happier than I have done since 28th November. But happiness is a transient emotion when your baby dies. You can only keep it up for so long (maybe 12 or so hours at a time) and then, what do you know, you're back in the pit.
Up and down, round and round, it is a mogul field of emotions. I miss my boy. And that is what it all boils down to.


  1. What you are feeling is totally normal. It happens to me all the time and like you I try not to cry in public. But since losing my son I've done a lot of crying in public. So now I carry my sunglasses everywhere. I'm sure I look like an idiot walking the streets of London in my glasses when it's raining, but who cares?

    It's nice to hear that you are able to enjoy yourself even if it's just for moments at a time. As time goes on, those moments of happiness will get longer and your moments of tears will get shorter. I'm not sure when they go away yet, but if I ever get there I'll let you know.

  2. I'm the same... I'm about a year further down the line from you...and My New Normal is right, the moments of happiness last longer and the tears threaten less frequently. Though the last time I remember being "happy" happy was the day before my girl was born still. And there are still plenty of triggers for tears, unexpectedly. But in the last few days I have been feeling like... hmmm... not like I've turned a corner exactly, but more that there is hope of sunnier times. Or lighter hearts, or something. Though I did struggle with tears listening to my older daughter "playing" a recorder earlier and realising my little girl will never do that. xxx

  3. I don't wear make-up since the 15th of September 2010, because tears come at any time. Be strong, Alice! Take strength back from the moments of happiness and be gentle with yourself the rest of the time. Bear is truly wonderful!