Sunday, 13 February 2011

Dreams and other things

I dreamt about Bear last night.
It was the first time that he has properly been in my dreams and it was gorgeous. He was there, in my arms, and I knew that there something was different about him. It wasn't all fireworks and sunshine, there was something slower, more precious about my boy and he needed his Mummy.
Yes I know, this all makes me sound a teeny bit crazy.
I have such vivid dreams anyway - I always have done - so it was cruel, each morning, when I woke and remembered all these fanciful journeys my mind had taken, none of which involved Bear. Now though, I know he can come and go as he pleases and I hope he makes many return visits. Because my heart feels a little lighter knowing that on some level, I carried him last night.
Anyway, we are back from our holiday and hopefully we have risen a bit, from the pit of before. I know that my sadness will always be with me. Having those days on the slopes though, when we laughed a bit, and hugged and kissed, made me realise that the old me is in here too. She isn't ready for a big Welcome Home banner yet, but slowly, over time, she will reemerge, I think. As a caveat, I know the old me will never actually come back. But the new old me, hopefully, won't be too different from the outside looking in. Apart from unexpected bursts of tears that I can never predict. Although which, I can now recognise as they start forming and swirling somewhere inside my chest.

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad you were able to have a peaceful dream about him last night.

    I totally agree, the "new" version of yourself will re-emerge. What that looks like is yet to be determined.

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  2. BUT WE WILL ALL LOVE THE NEW YOU JUST AS YOU COME...AX

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  3. At our boy Josef's funeral, we played Digital Love by Daft Punk. It had been our wedding song, but like so many love songs, once you have had children, it acquired a new meaning. The feeling of being together in dreams is summed up perfectly - and of not wanting the dream to end ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDSjrbEgSRg

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