Today I am going to be kind to myself. The blood test at the doctor's surgery aside, I am going to spend the day exactly as I please. So far, I have had poached eggs for breakfast and read the paper slowly at the kitchen table. Now, I am fiddling around on the internet and not feeling guilty.
I will also do my Creative Writing homework and make a mozzarella salad for lunch. Crucially, I will be alone for as long as possible. When I am on my own, I feel still and calm. I still cry but the tears can roll and I don't need a tissue or have someone looking at me with concern.
We have counselling at 5 o'clock. This is when I expect my quiet state to be interrupted. It has been a big week, so there will be plenty to talk about. Most importantly, it is pure Bear time.
I realised yesterday that although our boy isn't here, we still have some of the same life changes faced by every new parents. My brain has gone to mush and I can't get anything done because I'm too busy thinking about my baby. Toby is knackered because it is hard to fit in work, sleep, chat and Bear time. We do not go out much. And when we do, it is generally for a walk in the park. To me, this is what all new babies bring. Unfortunately, we just don't have the smiles and the stinky nappies.