Monday, 28 February 2011


I don't know how I feel today.
I am still buzzing from all the donations and yet I feel heavy, very heavy, all at the same time.
I am lonely too.
It is strange. When your life gets squeezed by such a painful vice, family and friends rally around. They make sure you spend as little time as possible alone. They fill your inbox and your mobile phone with beautiful messages. But still, despite all the words and the hugs and the sincere nods, I've never felt so isolated.
I am alone in my journey - and that is one of the hardest things of all. Alone, surrounded by all the love in the world.
And the worst thing is that as time passes, I get the feeling that my Bear story, my ever evolving, beautiful, tragic relationship with my only child, is less and less acceptable in everyday conversation. It isn't that people don't want to listen, they do. It's just that they think talking about our loss will make us sadder than we already are.
And yet, nothing, could be further from the truth.


  1. I could not agree more. It's tricky, because they want the hurt to stop, and it never will. They think your tears are signs that what they're saying is hurting you, or that you don't want to talk about it... When I cry, it's not because talking about it is sad, it's because the actual thing, the loss of my baby, that's sad. But it does feel good to talk about it, eh?

  2. You don't know me, but any time you want to talk about Bear you can! That's why it helps to surround yourself with other mommas who have lost their babies.

  3. juliana cassandro28 February 2011 at 20:25

    xox juliana.

  4. Even now, a year further along the path from you, I still cry when talking about my daughter. Not always, but regularly. Luckily I have some friends who allow me to do so. I posted a quote from Elizabeth Edwards on my fb status, and I think it opened a few eyes. it seems obvious from this side, but I suppose unless you have walked in our shoes, it may not be "'If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.'"
    Thinking of you and your beautiful bear x