Friday, 4 February 2011

Enough already

I feel strange today. I feel strange and angry and normal and sad and strange.
My blog is confusing me too. I'm one part enjoying it and one part mystified by it. Who am I talking to? Am I doing it for myself? Am I doing it for others? Am I try to help someone? Am I trying to help myself?
Every evening I look at the stats page. It tells me how many people have logged on, which countries they come from, which posts have been most read. It is interesting. I like the feedback. But I'm not sure if I like it because I'm proud of myself, or because in a sense, it makes me feel less lonely?
Sometimes, I want to pick up my blog and throw it against the wall. I hate that it's here. That I have this life where I write such sad stories. On better days, I like the space if gives me, the way it helps crystallise my thoughts and lets others get close and understand.
Tomorrow we are going skiing. The blue sky is calling. I need the space on the mountains and the wind in my ears. And I need proper, uninterrupted time with Toby - time on the chairlifts to cuddle up, talks over dinner, laughs in the boot room, privacy.
I don't feel the uneasiness about leaving London like I did in December when we went to the Lakes. Bear has found his place and he'll be with us too. Not in some sick, deluded sad Mummy kind of way, but just there, in our hearts, on the slopes, near the snow. Because it snowed that night, when Bear was born.
It is scary facing up to my new life without the baby that was meant at its centre. I waited so patiently for him to arrive and now time seems huge and daunting. Hopefully, the skiing will take some of this pressure away.


  1. I just found your blog through Faces of Loss. I am so sorry to read about your son. I also lost my son last year in August at 36 weeks. We later found out that there was something wrong with the placenta and it stopped growing. To say I was heartbroken is a huge understatement.

    I started blogging to work through the pain and the grief. I don't blog for anyone but me. I am of course happy that some people read my words and find comfort in them. But my main goal is to help myself. It may sound selfish, but it's what keeps me going.

    So if it helps you, keep writing. There are a lot of us out there which is sad. But I find it comforting to know I'm not alone. And neither are you.

    I hope you are enjoying your time away.

  2. Hi - I found your blog through Faces of Loss. I'm so sorry for your loss ((hugs)).

    I started blogging as a journal for myself. Before I had my loss I knew someone at the online community I participate in ( that had a 2nd trimester loss. I read her blog before and after my loss, and I believe it has helped me. While I write purely for myself, I do hope to one day help others like she has helped me.

    I'm sure your words will help others as well.