Losing Bear is like the best kind of love affair that's gone in the worst possible direction.
I stare at his photos because he isn't here in person.
I look at the clothes he left behind.
I write him love letters on my blog, and he never writes back.
I get all soppy and smiley when I think about those lips.
I'm stuck in a fuzzy cloud where nothing but him matters.
He's playing hard to get, and his absence is making my heart grow fonder.
I love you boy.
You've changed my world so much. Not in the way I expected, but as another Mummy without her baby said, your impact has been no less powerful.
Happy (belated) Valentines my love.
I wish I could reach out through my computer and give you a hug. I so know what you are going through right now.
ReplyDeleteI also noticed that both our blogs are on the West London Sands site. It makes me think we live near each other. If you ever want to get together for coffee or anything please email me at findmynewormal@gmail.com
This is a beautiful post
ReplyDeleteou will know by now that the pain gets easier to bear and tears become fewer and further apart.
ReplyDeleteFor me, little bursts of grief become far enough apart to be reassuring when they arrive now - proof that my beautiful boy is not forgotten; that he really existed.
I wrote a few lines on the tube six weeks ago in one of those random rushes of emotion. I never blogged about losing Josef, but occasionally have a great urge to write something down, even if no-one will ever see it.
It's just about how we never stop projecting our lost children into the future they should have had. Watching his big sister, his cousins, and the babies who should have been his friends will always remind me and make me wonder. What would he have been like? What would he have enjoyed? Who would he have been friends with? What would he have been good at?
ReplyDeleteThere will always be a Bear-shaped hole in the picture. Learning to accept that is all we can do. Allowing us to feel it, and still to talk about it now and then, is what our friends and families can do.
One of the really difficult things to deal with as time passes is how little anyone else brings up your baby's name any more. They are so keen for us to be 'fixed', so desperate not to cause 'upset'.
ReplyDeleteBut someone telling you that they were thinking of your baby is the best gift you can receive as time goes by, even if it does bring a tear to your eye. After all, it's the situation, not their reminder, that is the cause of the sadness.
You are not here
ReplyDeleteYour ghost is not here
There are only echoes
Echoes of the baby we remember
And of the child we can't forget
Spaces you never filled
Places you never went to
Family pictures you were never in
Parties you were never at
Candles that you never blew
Bikes you never rode
Games you never played
A name you never learned to say
Empty and echoing
Because you are not here